what the world can never take

2012-01-27T04:59:00.000-08:00

today, mp and i did the maths

9 students, only 4/5 of us will get an A the rest will be a B

thats when it hit home

i need that A

there is just no other way

thinking about only half of the class getting the A

really freaked me out

one slip

thats all it takes

to slip from the top to the bottom

i need to start getting somewhere with my work

seriously

because not getting that A

is really not an option,

not for what i want to do anyway

2012-01-22T10:34:00.000-08:00

sometimes, i wished that it could be me too

that i could have that

2012-01-18T08:55:00.000-08:00

two weeks into school,

and already it feels like half a year has gone by

and i am so responsible with my priorities,

its disgusting

turning down two parties so, what,

i can go for a museum thing with my art class

or because the next day i have school

seriously, im tired of being responsible

sometimes i ask myself whether i can really make it through this year

it sure doesnt feel like it

but then i stop and think: hand to the plough, no turning back.

too late for regrets,

too late for a change

and i guess in a way,

i refuse to let myself quit

imagine all the hard work already put in going to waste

bullshit, im not letting that happen to me

byee 2011...hello 2012

2011-12-31T09:37:00.000-08:00

its the new year

helloooo 2012...

the past year 2011,

it hasnt always been easy

especially not with every new experience that came my way

but i am sure that it has better prepared me for 2012

and i will forge ahead and face whatever this year brings head on!

heres to another year,

filled with laughter,

friends -- old and new,

joy,

love,

loads of hard work

and most importantly: family

2011-12-30T09:26:00.000-08:00

"Keep Laughing", He says

She smiles and replies, "I Will."

2011-12-20T09:04:00.000-08:00

its nearing christmas!(:
so excitedd.
and so busy all the way up to the actual day
parties from the 23-25
and lunches in between
with meetings with multiple groups of people
problems to solve
homework to complete
its a whirlwind world!

2011-12-16T08:04:00.000-08:00

OMG I DONT UNDERSTAND

WHY DO YOU ASK THESE QUESTIONS

THAT I DONT HAVE ANSWERS FOR??

2011-12-09T06:55:00.000-08:00

this week has been rather eventful and i have also learnt a lot.

this week started off with a crash course at SOT

and it was a two whole day affair

i was so tired by the end of it

that i did not want to finish the course on the second day

sitting there for a minimum of 5 hours

is no joke

then followed by getting a call from ms chang

asking if i would like to help out at her office for two days

and i was like i get a bit of money(:

and i get to gain experience

and indeed, i did,

i saw how a fashion company operated differently from a finance one

and how i could actually do smth like that.

a desk job that isnt boring in a sense

also, i am sure that my penmanship has gotten better haha

and hopefully my speed of writing too

and then mum surprised me by bringing me to check out the stain glass lessons that ive been wanting for so long

and the guy is legit and i had my first stain glass lesson!

loved it

its like i "fulfilled" something inside me when i did the class

i was so happy that i could not stop smiling once i got out of the class

hahaha.

i think its like that for me everytime i learn a new art technique or smth

i think i just love working and making beautiful things with my hands(:

2011-11-25T05:25:00.000-08:00

sighh...

dont do this to me

please dont

2011-11-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

today is the first day of A levels

it would have been my time to mug like there was no tmr

if only i worked hard enough last year

regret upon regret.

i know this might be weird, but it sucks to feel left out

like everyone is studying and stressing

and here i am already enjoying life

only knowing that next would be my turn

but next year my close friends would not be suffering with me

well, i guess that is the price i have to pay

for being so stupid last year, thinking that i would be able to make it

sighh.

but at least i know that with this second chance, i have got a chance to be better

to improve myself

and better prepare myself for the a levels

cos had i gone in this year, i know i would have failed terribly

but all the best of luck and God bless to my dearest friends as you take this last hurdle head on(:

i cant say that it is all bad for me though

having finished promos well

and not having chi or pw to worry about

it leaves me with time

time to start reading up for next year

time to do things that ive been dying to do for such a long time
time to take up offers that could help me in the future

my portfolio is going to get a boost i think

which is exciting if i ever do get started on it

haha cos i think being able to publish something,

even if its for school, is an accomplishment

and then designing a shirt for a company,

though not much work is needed, it would still be fun

and again, into my portfolio.

so i cant say its a terrible thing, this extra year,

it has helped me gain so much perspective for my life

and hopefully has made me more matured. i hope haha

also finally because of this break that i have

i can go for a GB camp

have been waiting so long its killing me

hahaha

Sec 2 TC

though i wont know any of the kids anymore, it doesnt matter,

making new friends are fun(:

but more than that

its being back in the fold with my gb friends and officers alike

that is one family i never want to distance myself from

cos GB is so much different from every other aspect of my life

and i do feel truly comfortable there

i cant explain it, but i guess it stems from so many of us viewing things the same way

and friends you make in GB,

DO stay friends forever.

thats why i think up to today,

the camps that i really look forward to would be GB camps

and if i had to choose one camp a year

no doubt, it would be the GB camp

and i hope this continues for a long time more even as i grow up

because being a GB girl could possibly be one of the best things that happened to me

2011-11-02T09:25:00.001-07:00

yknow, er zijn gewoon zo veel dingen die i
moet zeggen
behoefte aan iemand te vertellen over
maar i just dont hebben de woorden om dit te doen
zijn als het gebotteld in me op
en ik heb geen manier om los te laten
veel dingen die moeten worden gezegd dat veel verschillende mensen

misschien is hier een begin ..
im so moe van wordt in het midden
altijd gevangen tussen een muur en een harde plaats
voor een keer, mensen gewoon stoppen me in het midden van de dingen
Ik weet dat ik misschien een goede keuze ..
maar het wordt ook wel eens vermoeiend.
Soms heb ik alleen maar wilde dat ik kon in kijken vanaf de buitenkant,
het zien van de hele zaak nog gebeuren, niet met een hand in het
sighh
Ik ben geen goed rolmodel, dont volg mijn acties
cos het zal alleen maar leiden u in een pad dat u niet wilt gaan

dan theres de eeuwige vraag
dat degene die plagen iedereen?
yeah.
dan kunt u gewoon beantwoorden en het daarbij laten?
Ik wil gewoon weten
om te weten dat het niet was all me
en dat het deel van mijn hallucinaties

2011-10-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

Wish it was me this year...

...but I guess, next year is still better than nothing

2011-10-08T22:23:00.001-07:00

sighh.

i feel really happy that im done with promos

and for better or worse, i cant change that anymore

at least its good to know that there is always a back up plan

so at least i still have a backdoor

so thats good i guess, though i really do not want to be a quitter and take that out

but also, its kinda sad, cos all my friends are taking As this year

and by some folly of last year i am not

so thats just a bummer.

cos right now when everyone is mugging like theres no tomorrow,

i am slacking, trust me its fun

but at the same time rather lonely because there is no one to play with in a sense

cant wait for them to finish As, i can totally imagine the fun that would happen then!

and im going to stop looking back and berating myself for last year

i mean whats done is done

there is no way i could take back time or change what happened

last year,

so instead of thinking that im dumb or that i could have changed smth

i am going to focus on making sure that next year doesnt turn out to be a repeat of last year

so i wont feel the regret of this year.

i dont think im too coherent with that,

but as long as i know what this is all about, its cool

Freddie Stroma – Possibilities Soundtrack Lyrics

2011-10-08T22:17:00.001-07:00

Don’t break my heart before I give it to you

Don’t tell me no before I ask you to
Don’t say it doesn’t fit before you try it on
There’s too much to lose to be wrong

And it feels like there’s something here
But I wanna see it before it disappears
And if there’s something real between me and you
Well are we both open to

All these possibilities
So many little possibilities
Right in front of us
Close enough to touch
And far enough to have some time to see

All these possibilities
Oh these possibilities
Are written in the stars
We are who we are baby
And I can’t help but think that possibly
There’s possibility

Don’t give me hope if there’s nothing to this
Don’t let me in if you’re not there
What I’m feeling doesn’t happen every day
So baby please play me fair

[ Lyrics from http://www.songonlyrics.com/soundtracks/acinderellastoryonceuponasong2011-possibilities.html ]

And it feels like there’s something more
Than those crazy little crushes I’ve felt before
When you move in closer I can feel the rush
And now we’re so close we can touch

All these possibilities
So many little possibilities
Right in front of us
Close enough to touch
And far enough to have some time to see

All these possibilities
Oh these possibilities
Are written in the stars
We are who we are baby
And I can’t help but think that possibly
There’s possibility

2011-09-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

its that time of the year again

promos

second time, redemption?

i hope so.

handed up my promos art course work

and this time i can safely say that it is much better than my mye's

which is a great relief cos i really needed art to add to my rank points

hahah

i know it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort

probably more than most people would want to put in

trust me, there are days that i feel like that too

but when i see the final product taking shape,

it makes all that agonising, whining and fretting worth it

seeing random people stop and look at my work and comment about it,

its enough for me

and i felt that the time spent was made worthwhile

but now is the time to focus on my other subs before the writing papers start

and i know for some, i am going to do fine

but for others i might have to work a bit harder

but i will come through

i have to

because i know that next year is going to be difficult

i need a good foundation so that next year could be better

i mean thats why the second chance was given right.

so work hard, because more often than not the fruits of labour would be worth it!

pressing on(:

2011-08-27T06:34:00.000-07:00

"There is nothing more comfortable than a caterpillar and nothing more made for love than a butterfly. We need dresses that crawl and dresses that fly. Fashion is at once a captapillar and a butterfly, caterpillar by day, butterfly by night"
— Coco Chanel

2011-08-27T05:19:00.000-07:00

promo's in ongeveer 30/29 dagen tijd
tweede keer
zal dit verlossing
of
gewoon een kans om te laten zien hoe incompetent ik ben geworden?
Ja, zeggen dat ik im going to passeren, zeker
maar diep van binnen, echt ik ben bang
zo bang dat slechts een verkeerde essay
en ik konden worden van deze school
dan zou ik niet weten hoe om te gaan op de
al die dromen van grote dingen gebeuren in grote steden
zou niet de mijne
ok correctie, zouden ze nog steeds gebeuren
maar op een heel erg vertraagd datum
en het leven is zo kort
Ik wil wel alles meemaken als ik nog jong en in staat om "fun" te begrijpen
dit een jaar heeft mij meer dan wie ook weet
oh niet alleen fysiek in de hoeveelheid tijd
maar emotioneel ook.
waardoor ik meer afgestompt,
soms zelfs meer bitter (i hate dat)
maar ook meer volwassen, en het begrip van de dingen om me i guess
dus dit extra jaar zou een goede / slechte zaak zijn

Ik wil gewoon dat dit allemaal al voorbij.
i mean dont u ooit moe van hetzelfde te doen over en weer?
Ik weet dat ik
haha.
sighhh
alrights ga geven het mijn beste shot
im going voor de verlossing
en niet het nemen van iets minder als een antwoord
want dit keer weet ik dat ik een zeer goede kans maakt het
en ik ben naar de domme statistieken die zeggen dat retainees cant goed scoren verslaan volgend jaar
voor mij, im going to het te laten gebeuren
want aan het eind van de dag,
studeren is niet voor iedereen ten goede komen van de
maar de mijne

2011-08-05T09:48:00.001-07:00

i think this year i have not been very fair to some people

i have not been fair to my class of 2011

did not give them a chance at all really

perhaps its cos last year was so good,

i didnt really want anything to be better than that, so

i shut my mind off from the possibilities that this new class could have brought

do i regret it?

sure, to a small extent

especially when my friends would not be there next year

and all im left would be the class that im now with

i am not like J

who was ready to leave the old class for this new one

cos i really enjoyed last year

and i would give almost anything to go back to last year to live it all again

haha sigh.

this two years, best and worst years of my life thus far

so many things that happen,

has taught me that to keep a strangle hold on what i really missed

is the fastest way to lose it

2011-08-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

i know i said i never wanted a tattoo ever

but idk,

for some reason today i thought that tattooing "work hard" on my pinky

would be symbolic of the promise i made to myself

and its not just this phase of my life

its for everything that i am going to do from now onwards

a promise that i would try my best

and chances dont come round often

2011-08-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

" ...at the end of the day; it weeds out the strong and the weak.
the weak would just give up and stay stuck there;
while the strong would pick themselves up and continue on with what life throws at them, being a better person, facing daunting challenges with the faith and assurance that it could be overcome like the others..."

2nd March 2008

that was my first ever post after i changed blogs,

and i realise just how true that sentence is

something that i understood so long ago,

i have forgotten in the midst of everything that has been going on

everything that i have been through

a simple truth that the 15 year old me knew

got clouded by the stuff that has been thrown at me

but i am glad that i remembered just in time

and even found this bit of knowledge again while rereading my old posts

and now more than ever,

i need to remind myself that to be strong means moving on

because i do not want to ever give up

not on my dream

not on my future.

also, i realised that some posts my writing has changed

but then there would be this flashes of genius that sounds like me now

its weird, really

to see how the younger "me" could have flashes like this

that comes so naturally to me now

i guess you could say that ive been less sheltered

more jaded

or maybe more understanding of the world

and how though it would be nice to believe in the goodness of the world,

there are certain patches of darkness.

and that its okay.

2011-08-01T07:05:00.000-07:00

today was nice

you know monday blues?

well, today they were non existent,

classes ended at 11

movie in the afternoon(:

haha i mean how does a day get any better than that

oh and a nice dinner too!

2011-07-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

i have not felt this singled out in class

ever

till you came along

pls, i dont want to be singled out

i like being one of the crowd

its easier that way

so when i do have answers or brilliant flashes,

thats what it would look like, flashes

2011-07-25T09:36:00.001-07:00

by Elena Kalis

i think art has not only improved my skills

but also it gives me a deeper understanding and appreciation for it

like Kalis' underwater shots,

they are breathtakingly whimsical and fantasy-like

when i saw it i think i fell in love with it completely

and some day i want to do something like that, i mean look at it

the story that it tells

the colours.

everything is working together.

something so simple

like this picture

just takes your breath away with the simplicity

and the beauty of the child with the flamingo balloon

sigh, i dont know

i am so in love with her photography right now, i just want to own every single one of her underwater photos. ahaha

2011-07-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

i cant neem het als mensen gewoon "suggereren" dat ze je helpen met iets, en dandont doorvoeren. Ik bedoel, ik zei ja, goed idee, cn we dat doen, zei u zeker weet waarom niet. en nu zijn als het omg im suggereren Ik heb nooit gezegd dat ik zou jehelpen. goed duidelijk een van ons verkeerd begrepen de ander. en wat "vrienden"betekende. Ik bedoel echt. zoals ik krijg die je nodig hebt om te studeren, maar srly, isje cijfers schiet de hoogte in met al die overval ... nog niet goed. zodat idk waarom jezo gespannen. en je verwachten dat wij met u om te studeren, goed. ik dont dus ofweldenken. Soms vraag ik me echt af waarom we nog steeds vrienden en waarom heb ikeens de moeite te proberen. het is niet alsof im enorm verrijkt. het is gevallen als deze die gewoon piss me off zo slecht. als i dont wanna om een verschrikkelijk persoon, maar dit soort dingen maken het zo moeilijk om mijn onedele natuur te beheersen. en ik wil gewoon uit te halen naar de persoon die kwaad me af. Ik denk dat je Arent de belangrijkste oorzaak, maar de katalysator van het. en serieus, im gedaan. im dit te doen op mijn eigen, zonder hulp van u, dont zodat je durft te stellen, kritiek ofcommentaar op mijn werk van nu af aan. je niet het recht om te oordelen. i justherroepen. Ik denk dat je begrijpt wat dat betekent he. Ik hoop dat je doet.

2011-07-03T09:36:00.001-07:00

maybe im stretching myself out too thin

too many commitments

too many promises

that i want to keep, and then i keep doing all these

and i am left with nothing for myself

esther, when would you learn to just say no??

2011-06-29T09:03:00.000-07:00

today,

i am reminded of God's goodness and mercy once again

a girl from my church has a friend who is suffering from cancer

and you know how difficult cancer is to heal right?

well, God has just proven once more that there is nothing too big for Him

He has healed that girl's friend of cancer!!

and the checkups confirm that.

i mean, how is that humanly possible?!

(that because it isnt, haha)

that girl that is now cured of cancer has accepted Christ into her life

PRAISE THE LORD!!

seriously, it is the things like this,

the seemingly small miracles that He does for people

and that we might not hear of it at all,

but when we do,

we cant help but get goosebumps

and marvel at His power and goodness all over again

i mean, it is this miracles that bring people into the kingdom, joining this big family

2011-06-22T05:24:00.000-07:00

the harvest is plenty,

but the gatherers are few

2011-05-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

just handed up my myes course work for art
i think im going to flunk it

but yet at the same time,
im hoping that what i did was enough
to pass
this time, thats all im looking for
to pass.

i really want to do weel for art
but im just not there yet
im glad she is stressing me to push myself
but at the same time
i hate that feeling of helplessness
like when your best friend turns on you
or when the dog you've brought up turns and bites you
that how i feel with my art sometimes
my whole life,
ive made stuff
couldnt buy stuff, no problem, make em
draw cards etc etc
but now, everything i seem to produce
is just not good enough
my brain is trying to tell my hand to move
but my hand just refuses
its frustrating when your body doesnt even listen to you
the one thing that you thought you could trust completely
because it is in your full control
also lets you done
it feels like shit

there have been many instances where i wanted to blog about things
but whenever i opened the tab
i just seem to draw a blank
or i get this feeling of tireness
that it stops me from writing
i dont know
i guess the pressure of the extra year just keeps weighing down on me
if i dont make it this year, im gone
really
and i see all my friends gearing up for As and im like still relearning last year's work
it just yknow, makes me feel urgh
yet, i know that had i gone up with them
i would not be able to face As and pass
at all
so its just a momentary lapse in good judgement when i feel angry for not promoting
hey, theres always next year

there is so much more i want to blog about,
but i just dont feel like it
i dont know,
maybe later

2011-05-05T08:26:00.001-07:00

i think i put so much effort and energy into art
that i am left with nothing for what i really would like to do
which is design more clothes
recently i find myself wanting to draw smth
but i dont have anymore ideas or energy left
its like ive used it all up for art and then there is nothin left for designing
and the myes art is due next week
im so dead...

2011-04-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

this dress just took my breath away

i dont know how to explain it

but when i saw it, the breath just caught in my lungs

like smth so simple could just trigger that reaction in me

i mean it just emphasises the simplicity of fashion

there is no need for bright burst of colour

or too many details

just one eye catching thing and its enough to stop people in their tracks

i hope when its my turn i am able to do that to others as well

hahaha big dreams

gonna fulfil them someday

2011-04-16T07:38:00.001-07:00

here is something that my friend send to me,
and i think that what it says is really true,
and that sometimes we might forget due to the fact that we cannot see it,
but it is actually there and that if we fix our eyes on God,
though we might not see the changes, He will mold us and shape us to be what we were supposed to be.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lim Mei Yee Elaine
All the promises in Him are Yes and Amen!
Hey David, Rach and Esther,

I really enjoyed the following excerpt that a friend sent me today. Feel that it's really relevant to us as tribe leaders (and not just as tribe leaders, but also simply as children of God).

Here you go:)

Today’s Truth
“For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God” (2 Corinthians 1:20, NIV).

Friend to Friend
When my son, Preston, was in sixth grade he chose to plant spinach for his science fair project. He planted seeds in four plastic cups and watered each batch with a fixed daily amount of four different liquids: water, orange juice, cola, and milk. (Yes, you are correct! By day three of his fourteen-day project, the milk cup reeked to high heavens with a stinky-sour smell!) His hypothesis was that he believed that the seeds watered with water would grow faster than the seeds that were watered by orange juice, cola and milk.

Once his hypothesis was determined, he and I (his faithful mommy-research-assistant) diligently went about the task of collecting data, watering the seeds, taking pictures, and documenting his findings. The instructions on the back of the seed envelope indicated that we should see spinach sprouts within 7-10 days. Preston was looking forward to seeing the sprouts and was eager to see if his hypothesis was valid. I was too.

So we watered and we waited. We stayed the course and did the work required with hearts that were eager to witness a green, leafy harvest. Day seven came and went. No sprouts. Day eight came and went. No sprouts. Day nine. No sprouts. Day ten. No sprouts.

When all was said and done, we were disappointed that his faithful efforts did not bear spinach. In fourteen days not one green sprout shot up from any of the cups. In fact, we saw no external evidence of any growth at all … not even on a root level. And although his data got collected, his project got completed and Preston received a good grade, we were both heart-sad that we didn’t get to see any growth.

Sometimes our lives are like that science fair project. We invest in others and are eager to see the harvest. We obey God, trust His plan and walk according to His Word. We plant seeds into the soil of our marriages or dating relationships and water them with love, hope and truth. We plant seeds into the life-soil of our friends and co-workers and water them with loyalty, time and encouragement. As parents and grandparents we “grow” our children and our grandchildren. We water them with love, feed them with the Word. We water and we wait with great expectations in our hearts and a desire to see some growth. We long to see the fruit of our labor.

At times we see fruit.

At times we don’t.

Jesus gave His disciples a trustworthy promise that if we stick to His side and stay tight to God’s will, that our lives and our efforts will bear fruit. He said in John 15:4-5, Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. When we remain in Jesus – when we trust God by turning to the Holy Spirit for guidance and to His Word for truth – you and I will bear fruit … whether we see it or not.

A person of faith believes God’s promises because His promises are connected to His character. God’s promises aren’t flippant. They’re secure! The apostle Paul said it like this: Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete (2 Cor. 1:20-22, MSG).

You see, friend, the yes-and-amen promise here is that we will bear fruit, not that we will necessarily see the fruit in our own timing or even in our own lifetimes. Understanding this promise sure does help me to trust God more. And further, knowing that our faithfulness will directly impact how much fruit will be produced should challenge us to remain faithful!

All of the promises of our Covenant God are “yes” and “amen”. We can trust His Word to be true because the character of our God is unblemished. Apart from Him, we can do nothing. When we remain in Him, we will bear fruit. Sometimes we will see it. Sometimes we won’t.

Our God-confidence is bolstered when we remember that He is faithful, and that our job is to listen, seek, and obey – to remain in Him – not to try to control the outcome of the seeds that He instructs us to sow. When we grow in our understanding of His character and rest in the knowledge that He is for us, not against us (Jeremiah 11:29), this helps us to trust Him. Let's strive to be women who take God at His Word and believe His "Yes" and "Amen" promise!

Let’s Pray
Dear Lord, Thank You for planting a seed of faith in the soil of my heart through Your Son, Jesus Christ. Please grow my faith. Help me to trust You more and remind me to fix my eyes on You, not on the results of my life investments.
In Jesus’ Name I pray,
Amen...

2011-04-09T07:40:00.000-07:00

okay like twitter said, i got accepted into lasalle,
but i have decided not to take the position,
because i think it is not the right time yet.
or at least God says it isnt.
cos my mum talked to the head of fashion there,
and he says that those who cm in after As are stronger mentally.
so better than the rest.
and he urges me to finish A levels. haha.
yup plus somehow i came this close to not being able to finish that dream.
if i didnt retain,
i would not have been able to drop hist for art,
which is good cos he says he has not seen a bad A level student go into lasalle degree. and they might not even have considered me
so thats good, then he says need math (i take h1 math),
he also said good writing skills (i take lit and gp)
and lastly theres the business aspect (i take econs).
so technically, the subject combi im in is PERFECT for lasalle fashion deg.
and i mean how awesome is that?
and how coincidental.
its just so coincidental that it cant be coincidence anymore,
i can see God's hand in all of this.
plus they are revising their syllabus in 2012,
so when i go in in 2013 the syllabus would be relatively new
and it would have been tested for a year alrdy.
i mean nth gets much better than this.
and thats why the dominos are like lined up perfectly to fall.
so its as if i can see 3 yrs ahead of me, which yknow life,
its a miracle.
haha so yeahh.
so now staying in jc is not that painful anymore

once again, i am awed by God's awesomeness.
and even when i want able to know or see the point in my staying
He already knew, and set it up just so that i would still be able to reach the end point,
though abeit by a different route

unhappy

2011-04-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

sacrifices
are they always worth it?
i dont know that i know anymore
like i had to give up a lot of things that i would have wanted to do
why?
because of multiple reasons
parents
"right" thing to do
what is expected

and i am really tired of doing that
like just once why cant i do smth that i choose
okay that is an exaggeration
ive done things that ive wanted to do
but srly this year
this term
i had to make choices
and i dont like the choices that i am forced to make
i really dont
school really has no more meaning for me
i just go everyday cos i dont see the point of buying an mc to stay hm
that would be a sad waste of time
sigh.
ive been feeling really restless recently
like in class i would feel like doing smth fun/dangerous/different
like i dont know. smth equivalent to bungee jumping??
heh
but yeah theres this restlessness in me
that i dont know how to fix
maybe its not getting better cos im not dealing with it
like cos ive not really figured out what it really is
ugh
and its pissing me off
cos i just want to stand there and throw a tantrum
ive not had that inclination since like omg i cant remember when
and cry, yeah cry. but i dont have a reason to cry so theres like a blockage
also the fact that im not a kid anymore

then because of this situation,
things that would not have normally made me flipped
made me flip like, FLIP
i mean dont poach on my friends
go find your own
i hate it when my circle of friends get smaller
why cant they stay exclusive
ugh i know its selfish thinking
but that poaching is really starting to piss me off
and the questions
the questions
why do you even care?
my decisions dont affect you either way
they only affect those that i am close to
and srly? you flatter yourself
plus if you had wanted to know, ask me
why go around and ask others.
i am sorry that this is a scathing paragraph
but ive really got enough
and my mood is just plummeting
and i dont need your pity nor sympathy
dont tell me its going to be okay
its NOT
where i am is testament to that, alright
dont sugar coat it
i stopped being that naive a long time ago

and dont tell me that the sacrifices are worth it
they dont feel worth it
and my thoughts are just jumping back and forth
ugh
i hate not being coherent, to anyone other than myself
i really hope that you are right, cos if my sacrifices arent worth it
someone is going to pay for it
and its going to be bad
at least i am giving fair warning

and when did cca get so demanding
and the new exco
srly
they are the same each year
the lets follow the teacher and do it by the book
i mean im sorry
but get some backbone yeah?
want to know why this cca is called "slack"?
its due to the management
srly, thats what it all comes down to
and because i am retained i cant apply for the management
so much for fair chances
huh
thats why i am playing hardball to catch up to the ppl in my year
cos every time im behind i lose out
big time
and mostly this is just self rage for failing to pass the first time
i mean how stupid can i get
ugh dont even bother answering that
i know and dont need you to tell me

2011-04-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

holding the lasalle letter feels like ive got a little bit of my dream in my hands

2011-04-04T06:51:00.001-07:00

should i be nice? i guess i should right but what if that is just creating more problems for myself oh, how i wished i had someone to talk to about this problem someone who would fully understand if not it is pointless

trapped cages

2011-04-04T05:12:00.000-07:00

im tired of validating my actions my choices im tired of having to justify them

Validation

2011-04-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

today i got validation validation that ive got "it" whatever it is haha, im happy right now i know yesterday i was freaking out and having a mini meltdown but today its just lalalalla happiness all over i got accepted into lasalle now all i need is to decide if i am going to jump ship and take that offer that will bring me one step closer to the final dream and even if i dont take this chance i think now i am more confident in that i could almost make it for the degree program hahaha. cloud nine right now yup, thats about it, i dont really care to think deeper tonight(:

we'll look back at all this and laugh...

2011-03-27T08:58:00.001-07:00

...eventually. how funny is it that all the problems we face now the boys, the school work, the drama it will all seem so trivial when we look back next time and reminisce about the times when homework was our biggest worry and that seeing "your guy" with another girl made the whole day bad haha. i dont know what caused this reflection but yeah i mean its the things that teenagers go through but sometimes i wished that i was above all these like i dont want to be affected by all of these cos it only takes up time and energy that could have been better spent elsewhere haha but truth of the matter is that i cant always not be bothered because i am its just ugh i hate it, but human nature i guess but this year i am trying to stay out of class politics and stuff last year and the j2 friends thing is enough for me i just want to focus do my work and get a reasonable grade and get out of here as fast as possible otherwise i might just even lose the fear of not passing then i would really have nothing to push me on for this leg in my life cos seriously, i dont want to be here anymore i know ive mentioned this before but im going to say it again i just want to fast forward to the part where i start living my dream ...

2011-03-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

i have not blogged for a long time
i had the urge to write something many times
but i dont know what is holding me back
is it my current situation? or my moods?
i dont know
and i know that is not good
sigh so many things has happened
that i dont even remember all of them
impulsive things said in the moment when i was so frustrated and restless
i dont know why i felt like that today
restless
and tired
not the physical tired
okay maybe a bit of the physical tired,
but more of the emotionally tired
and i cant believe this is happening so early in the game
the term just started again
and the one week "break" was supposed to refresh and renew
but it obviously did not work out
so thats a bust
my interview is next week
and my thought are jumping all over the place
its frustrating me to the fullest
like i just need time to stop and think
but thats the sad thing isnt it?
time keeps going on, waiting for no one
i dont know when i became so cynical and jaded
what happened to seeing the brighter side of life
yeah it does flash once in awhile
but last time, i used to be so much more i dont know happier
and now its just like.
but i know my responsibilities and the promises ive made
and i know ive got to keep them
sigh
and since i cant find motivation,
then im just using the fear of failing and the promises ive made to push me forward
but im tired
and i really want someones shoulder to lean on
someone stronger and more secure in themselves than i am at the moment
in this instance i can see the lure of physical contact with another human being
even if its just for comfort.

2011-02-28T07:49:00.000-08:00

heehee
the problem is finally fixed
or as good as it can get when there are still some tensions
just not here anymore
i cant ask for everything to be perfect
but getting there is better than nothing at all

i still miss you all
but i guess we cant have everything
close has got to be good enough i guess

2011-02-22T07:22:00.000-08:00

this could be ambitious of me but im just going to put it out there
cos writing/typing it out makes it more tangible

firstly:
im going to New York to work someday

maybe make project runway if its still running

work for an awesome fashion house

have my own line

be known..

2011-02-22T06:01:00.000-08:00

today was not bad.
after yesterday
D said we should be more sociable.
im alright with anything, i mean if they wanna talk i wont be like i dont know antisocial
sigh
so we talked and gossiped a bit
and i realise that talking or rather gossiping bonds ppl
i know its not great to gossip
but
it felt good to be able to talk about smth with the rest of the class
i mean
for once its not just the three of us
cos even sometimes that is just meh as well
likes like i subbed T and N for D and J
and im not in the tighter pair
so i guess T and N is still the better choice huh
haha.
but we work with what we've got

apathy

2011-02-20T06:39:00.000-08:00

i dont know when it actually started
but i feel like nothing much can faze me now
and that is not a good thing
its like i have this shell of "i cant be bothered anymore" around me
like all those once importance things now dont matter at all
like i cant be bothered enough to be bothered by it
i dont know how to snap out of it man
like im just drifting
and im frustrated by it
but at the same time, i dont want to break out of it
maybe because if i start to care, then those things would start to hurt me
and i hate being hurt
no one likes it actually
so i guess i chose the defence mechanism where i tell myself not to care so much
which sucks
cos im not that kind of person
well,
at least i didnt used to be
now im not so sure.

2011-02-18T08:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight was really good
At the beginning, the going was rough
Forgetting lines, nerves getting to us
But thank God it was just the tech run
On the mad dash to the back to say some lines,
I fell and cut my toe.
Ouch right?
Well here is the funny thing,
It didn’t hurt
I think cos of all the adrenalin yknow
But when I took out my shoe I saw a lot of blood
Haha it was quite scary
And cos there was quite a lot of blood around,
I did not know where the cut was
Haha
And it still wasn’t hurting
That’s the freaky part, all the blood and none of the pain
I think the people around me were freaked out by all the blood
But I really, really did not feel any of the pain
So that was cool

Also I have not eaten a macs burger so fast
It felt like I kept chucking food into my mouth, chew twice, swallow
Wash and repeat
Hahahaa.

Then back stage, touch up.
And it was time..!!!!

Audience etiquette came first
That went really well
The audience loved A and his pink polka dotted dress
And I was able to aim the rose at W
Not bad my aim(:
Then on off on off the stage the whole night intro and doing bimbo stuff
Hahahha it was good! :D
Great way to end the week
And all the hardwork put in.(:

I don’t know I think I wrote of this before but I guess it still irks me. One second it was perfect now you’re halfway out the door. I mean like ugh can’t we go back to the way everything was before? Apologising is not a show of weakness, it is an outward display of maturity. And so saying those people got past their differences, can we now go back to the way it was before things got ugly and people who were not involved are dragged in as well. Why would I like to go back to the way things were before? I don’t know maybe it could be the fact that at that time when we were the way we were I was convinced that jc life could be manageable and that it would be the best part of my life. Now I am not so sure. Or maybe it could be due to the fact that I cant fit into my class, there is no one I can really connect with and all those that I get along really well with either left or has moved on up leaving me by myself. I know its about the attitude, but still if you cant click with someone, it just doesn’t happen you know. That’s why divorce was created, for people who thought they could get along but on closer inspection cant. Now leaving cannot be made easier. Only one thing is holding me back and it is no longer you guys, cos now ive seen those that would stay with me wherever I go and those that would just drift away. Sad to say that but I know now and leaving would not be that difficult anymore. Only one thing holds me to where I am right now. And you know I would do anything to make you happy, you want me to finish my a level education, I will finish my a levels, even if it means that I would have to put my dream on hold for awhile more. I know I know. Dreams. “go chase your dream” but there are consequences, and I don’t want you to be one of those consequences. If you aren’t happy I wont do it. Unless I have no other choice. But know that youre the only thing holding me to a jc. If it weren’t for you I would throw caution to the wind and chase after my dream right now. The more time I spend in what I really want, the faster I can get to where I want to be. But who knows maybe these 2 years more would give me something special to make me more successful. Or it could break me. But one thing I know, this is where I am going to go no questions asked and that God has promised me a good future. I think good nights make me very pensive. sighhh

typing the wrong thing

2011-02-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

yeah as you can see from my title,
i am typing
but nto what i originally am supposed to type
im supposed to be typing out the emcees' script for lit night
but i dont know
as usual i digress

old drama new year
"same shit, different day"
sounds familiar?
yeah doesnt it always happen and dont you just hate it
like why cant we move on from that
live and let live
if we all just stop being so particular about things, and smooth it over, wont it be easier to get along with everyone
this time i am not taking sides.
i dont even know what happened
alrights, now i do
but what i dont understand is why/how did it blow up so big?
sigh. tired of the drama
especially when im not involved
but get caught somehow in the whirlwind as well

i guess what really made me hurt or panic was the thought of losing my friends
yeah, you guys might think that friends, oh go make new ones
but i dont want new ones, i want to keep the ones ive made
we were great all together
and i really wished it could have stayed that way man
but i guess i feel slightly hurt and miffed as well
by association, i am found guilty
i guess it could have been so, but not this time
and im unhappy because i guess i could use your quote,
you did not treat me as much of a friend did you
well not enough to see me as me
but instead of an extention
not that im complaining about the people im hanging with
on any given day, i would totally sided with them
but i just really wished you could have given me the benefit of the doubt
let me make a choice
or better yet, just pretend nothing has gone wrong
go on being friends like nothing transpired
but i guess not huh
oh wells. thats life
hardly ever gives you what you want

but over arching all that
i want to keep my friends
so badly
especially since the mixing now was not as easy as last time
stubborness and wariness does not bode well for the basis for friendship

2011-02-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

"God will never put you through anything that you cannot handle"

do you know why it rained?

2011-01-30T04:56:00.000-08:00

today it rained the whole day
from the morning all the way non stop into the night
still raining actually
yup
and then d hit on a reason why it rained the whole day
she said it was because god felt our pain and was crying for us
cos yesterday during the course the speaker told us to let loose and just feel.
and i think a lot fo us cried
and today God is crying for our pain
"let Him wash away our pain"
has never been so apt
and He prolly felt more pain than we did, double what we feel
so it feels really good to surrender and let Him take over
and carry the burden with us
Father Heart of God is a really good course to go for
it helped me get in touch with myself
and my hidden feelings
yeahh

2011-01-25T04:01:00.000-08:00

today i signed up for sewing classes
hahah so happy! like finally
ive been wanting to really learn how to professionally sew
not the kind that my grandma taught me
now it feels like the first step to my dream
learning the skills required
haha im so excited! :D
and these few days ive got so much art to do
and though its sometimes tediuosly frustrating,
its a good kind of frustrating
like it doesnt feel hopeless like hist or maths even
it feels frustrating, but you know in the end it will turn out fine
hahah
thats the great part that i like
knowing that no matter how screwed up it looks at the beginning,
it would turn out fine at the end
yups. but grids mess with my mind
so sigh, dont get it man haahtaking a break now dont want to burn out the eyes
so yup rest tonight
and continue drawing tmr(:

2011-01-23T07:48:00.000-08:00

today had tribe in the morning
and when i walked into PL, i saw gb girls practicing for drill competition
saw ms change and ms lee and ms heng
it was nice, memories
great memories
haha. yeah then went for tribe
went down to refill water and heard their competition song
and
it
was
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
MY YEAR'S COMPETITION SONG!
like omg! talk about a song chocked full with memories!!
haha i remember, we love that song
"o praise him"
was like my contingent's theme song
haha i hope that them using this song this time would bring home the gold just like it did for us
cos it is a winning song(:
haha or i would like to believe that(:
heeee
yups, it was good to see them all again. haha

then had service in the main church
i think pastor reuben preaches the most amusing sermons
yups
then had lunch with the tribe leaders
haha and heard all about choy's exploits,
which makes me not want to accept anything from him again
haha just in case he has rigged them all
haha
there was the oreo
the cheesecake (which failed)
waterbottle + chili padi
*shivers*
haha half of them involves stuff that are spicy hot
and i dont do well with that
haha!
yeahh
then had leaders training
and the takeaway will be useful
maybe not now, but im sure at some point in time it will be
what struck me most was that leaders have charisma
they talk about theperson's interest
and they listen
listen.
thats the important part
i think its not about blowing your own horn, but listening to others who want to say something that is the mark of a true/good leader
and i want to be that kind of leader. the kind that people look up to
cos when i think about it
i realise that the leaders that i really admire and want to emulate
are those that brough themselves down to my level
and spoke to me as though we were equals, though at that time it was clear that we were not
and they listened to my problems
and gave me solutions and got angry for me
haha. yeah
and i thank God everytime i think about it for giving these people to look up to
eventhough now we might be considered "equals"
i still am looking up to them as my big sister. wanting to be able to be like them
handling the kids so well
yups
i dont know, it was just some reflections that ive done tonight

2011-01-21T07:45:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5e5OC8c3Nc&feature=related

maybe this is why i have always loved the little mermaid

2011-01-21T05:48:00.000-08:00

ITS FINALLY FRIDAY
i thought it would never come
okay maybe not "never"
but yeah, it has been a long and trying 2 weeks
loneliness
quietness - not talking is difficult
hahah,
of course there were highlights in the weeks but nothing out of the ordinary
untill today
haha it was an amusing way to wrap up the whole week

i was waiting at the traffic light and this guy asks,
"hey, did you use to go to PL?"
at this point i was thinking: weird...
"um, yes i do."
"thought so...you looked familiar."
"well, there are many girls in this area that are from PL"
(and here comes the coup de grace)
"but not all of them look like you."
i nodded and crossed the road...
"goodnight"
"alrights, goodnight"

haha, if that isnt an amusing way to wrap up a week
i dont know what is
haha, it was so funny,
me getting hit upon
technically, that doesnt even happen at all
and plus he was cute, so that was like extra
hahaha, and i am aware that i sound like a bimbo right now
oh wells.
and i guess if it was my friend's experience, i would be all "awwww, so cute" about the situation
but its mine and i found it vastly amusing
haha
i dont know, it was just so unexpected
and now, i cant help be wish that somehow someway we would bump into each other again
and maybe this time know his name
cos at the moment he is refered as "that traffic light guy"
whihc truth be told is very unflattering
haaha. yeah that was my friday night

before that went nex to get lizzy's bday present
its so cute and funny too
haha this year we all turn legal, so the presents were obviously funny
as well as classy. grown up presents in other words(:
cant wait for tmr, but i dont have an outfit for ariel
like im supposed to be the little mermaid, but all i can think of is big eyes and red lips
and getting a red wig now isnt really in the schedule
ahaha. so yup thats about it for the excitement (:

2011-01-17T07:10:00.000-08:00

my best friends talk to me even when i am busy
haha that is the mark of a true friend,
one that knows that no matter how busy i am,
i will still have time for them
:D

Pride

2011-01-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

pride
its like two sides of a coin
on one side, in moderation, pride is good, reasonable
it keeps up from giving up and being defeated
but
on the other side, the negative side
pride stands in the way
blocks our vision from the situation or what could have been
it builds a wall around ourselves
and sometimes, borders on the verge of self righteousness
which is not really good either
humble pie once in awhile is not that bad
in fact, it keeps us rooted to who we are and where we come from
this could be rambling
but seeing what i saw today
really set me thinking about this word, "pride"

Valentino exhibit

2011-01-06T04:59:00.000-08:00

2011-01-05T07:58:00.000-08:00

i dont know,
this year, 2011 is the year for drill competitions again
haha yes, the all time consuming, endless hours of sun, determination and tears
and you know what?
at the end of it, when we win it seems worth it
actually it is worth it
i would know, ive been there

but this year, its slightly different
the thing that us seniors did not want to ever happen
has happened
we are combining contingents with another company
i mean in essence it is not a bad thing
but still
i kinda wished that $th coy could have brought this home on our own
now we would have to share it
alright, maybe i am looking at it from a very selfish point of view
and for all you know, the other girls are better than ours
haha thats the part that irks me,
why is our standard falling
why are the girls now so different from the girls in the past?
we were strong last time,
how do we go back to that?
i really want to see 4th coy rise againto its former glory
haha yeah,
maybe this drill competition would change things around
make it for the better
you never know
no one ever knows
only He does
and for now, that is good enough for me
because i believe that he will be with my lil juniors as they go through the drill competition
the shared tears and troubles and uncertainties
they are all part of the experience
and i hope that it will really bond the juniors together
to build a future exco that is so strong it can bring 4th coy up again
haha yeah..
i dont know why i suddenly thought of this
but i did
and i guess it is sort of a reflection cum dream
for the uniform group that has groomed and nurtured me so much

Valentino

2011-01-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

today, tanya and i went to the Valentino exhibition at resorts world
it was a really great experience
both for tanya and myself
haha, im serious
when we went in there, it was all dimmed lights and mannequins in glass boxes
and the clothes, i tell you the clothes
just made us so in awe
that we did not even speak
we just stared at the wonderful designs
if i was not sold about Valentino before today,
i certainly am now
but he is one of my favourite designers, the established ones
haha yup
the designs are so intricate that it must have taken a long time to make
pictures will go up in a few days, just waiting for tanya to upload them
cos no matter how i describe his designs
my words would not do it justice
in fact, the pictures would not do it justice
and i think the only way is to see them for yourself
which if you get the chance, i seriously promote doing that
hahaaa, i mean if you have no passion you might not like it
but if you do, you would definitely be in awe of his designs

he is the best at what he does
and his life goal
is to make women look the best that they can
i cant remember the exact quote
but i will put it up when the pics get uploaded yups(:

steamboat

2011-01-02T01:41:00.000-08:00

heyyys
tonight we are going to have steamboat as a family
and i mean family,
with relatives and everyone included
haha big event at my house
bet the cleanup will be big too
hahaha!
yeah well, but i love steamboat a lot
haha :D

looking back, moving forward

2010-12-31T19:22:00.001-08:00

its a day into 2011
and i guess its time for some reflections
2010
to say the least, it was a year of change
from secondary school to junior college
new friends,
old friends,
getting to know people whom ive been in the same school for 10 years
and not knowing that we could get along so well
drifting away from God
being pulled back into His orbit
strengthening my faith in Him
finding myself as a person
finding and sticking by what i believe in
haha a lot of things in general happened this year
and that is just the main stuff
yeah
i think though ive had many regrets about year 2010
i think that the things i have gleaned from it makes it worth it
"you learn from mistakes"
making the mistakes and realising that they are what they are
led me to correct them and change and move on
all in all, i think that ive grown a lot this year
and that hopefully ive changed
because i dont think i was the same girl that started off 2010
yups. and i hope that year 2011 would be another, even better year of growth both spiritually and within myself
yups. looking forward to what is installed in this year for me! (:

2010-12-30T05:14:00.000-08:00

something that was going round on Tumblr.

you know sometimes, that is really true

i dont know, it just made quite a lot of sense to me

haha.

2010-12-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

i really should get myself some pattern making and sewing lessons
i mean, i know how to sew,
with the machine
and the manual way
but i need lessons to learn how to create those images i have in my mind
that is the only way i know how to make them become more than just something on paper
haha,
but where am i going to find those lessons(:
mummy says community centres should have
haha we'll see how that goes
but in the end, i just really want to learn enough to bring my images to life
yeah, i guess thats it,
i just want to be able to have something more tangible than a drawing in my sketchbook
cos now, that is sometimes not enough anymore
:)

2010-12-26T06:15:00.000-08:00

you know how people say that we should not let our experience stop when the camp ends?
yeah, well
previously, i have always found it very easy to just slip back into my old life
but this time it is different
like i told myself i would not return to the way i was before
cos seriously, for all my self-confidence,
i did not really like the person that i was becoming
and i am hoping to change that now
yups, but i think the post camp is really great
i mean people ask me about my camp
and i direct them to my blog to read of my experiences
and they are like i dont know
some are in awe that God actually showed me this stuff
others then share their experience with me
i mean all this is like really really good for everyone
they get to know what God is doing in my life
and i get to read their experiences as well
sharing all round is really good i guess
hahaa.
and i am seriuosly glad for all the chances i got to share what i experienced with my friends
in hopes that they would one day want to experience the same things that i have experienced
already, some want to
and i think that they would agree to go church to experience it for themselves in the near future
haha i am really excited to see what God has installed for them and me

2010-12-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

you never would have thought that the person who seemed so priviledged
who seemed to have it all
could have kept up such a perfect facade
that it was fooling everyone else but himself
maybe sometimes even fooling himself
and when the facade cracks and crumbles
you see the person in new light
and think,
he has his problems, he is only human too
just like me
and why didnt i see this before
then i could have stretched out a helping hand
could have help hold the fort
but now, it is a case of "too little too late".
there is nothing physically that can possibly be done now
seeing as he will no longer be near
sigh

no one deserves what he is going through
not even the most horrible people in the world.

Submission

2010-12-22T04:08:00.000-08:00

James 4:7

submit: yield oneself to the will/authority of another
to take your place under
to give into someone else

resist: to rebel/oppose

so,...
that means that if we allow God to take his place over us,
and us under him,
that would mean that the devil will be under us :D

SUBMISSION is not EASY and submission involves SUFFERING

Hebrews 2: 6-10

SUBMISSION is not agreement

agreement is easy

submission involves the clashing of wills

Mark 14: 36

SUBMISSION is the key to maturity

1 Peter 5: 10

SUBMISSION is not to be forced

Matthew 20: 25-28

SUBMISSION means leaving our own will for His

Reconciliation

2010-12-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

there was this session conducted on the second day
it was on reconcilation
and then he said this part:

if you have ever offended anyone
i want you to just go up to that person and apologise
and tell them that you regret whatever you did

and at that point in time, the events from a year ago flashed back to me
enrolment 2009
how i treated G
how my attitude towards him sucked
and i was prolly disrespectful to him
and if he might have warranted it, it was not my place to dish it out and judge
and ive not thought of it for such a long time,
that i was surprised that it came back to me
and then i felt this unsettling urge to say sorry to him
then the doubts started flooding in.
like why did i have to be the only one to apologise,
there were others with me in the enrolment thing
it felt unfair
then i realised that i was the devotion head
and the responsibility of my members fell to me
so if anyone were to apologise, it should be me
okay, so thats what i was going to do
you have no idea how nervous i was.
i dont do "sorrys" well.

but anyways, since i have decided to apologise
i decided that i had to do it soon
cos once it was unburied, i kept thinking about it
sigh

so after ministry night
joann helped me get G's attention
and before i lost my guts, i blurted out "im sorry!"
the shock on his face would be hilarious if i didnt have to continue with what i started
haha
then, i had to explain why i was apologising
how my attitude sucked
and how i was disrespectful
and then he got it quite fast, so i guess he remembered
and i think that i was good i decided to apologise, cos it was clear that he remembered and that i really wanted it to end. and end well, with no grudges held
then he prayed for me and in the prayer he kinda apologised as well
for being absent, and it felt nice, i mean he didnt have to say he was sorry but he did,
so its like. hmmm(:
and i think he prayed something like how i would make a great partner to the right guy next time
and i found that quite funny, haha like so random yet not random (session we had earlier)
and yeah, very thoughtful of him
and after that i went back to where joann was sitting feeling really happy and light
like closure to that episode, finally. haha
it feels really good to put that to rest
and though in his prayer it said that that incident was buried already last year
making sure that there was confirmation still felt really good
i am really glad i got this chance to do this here in this camp
i mean where better to settle old grievances than in a camp
where we go back to the beginning and starting over
as well as learning how to love each other

2010-12-21T22:59:00.000-08:00

Come holy spirit fall on me now

I need your anointing

Come in your power

I love you holy spirit

You're captivating my soul

And every day i grow to love you more

I'm reaching for your heart

You hold my life in your hand

Drawing me closer to you

I feel your power renew

Nothing compares to this place

Where i can see you face to face

I worship you in spirit and in truth

this is the song that really spoke to my soul

and how real that it is

like no other

Square One Camp!

2010-12-21T03:45:00.000-08:00

18-21 December
that was the dates for the youth church camp
and this is the first year since 2006 that i was able to go for the church camp
and boy, can i tell you how happy i am that i made it for this church camp!
the purpose of this camp was as its name suggest, square one
starting again, going back to the basics of God
as well as loving one another
"loving God and loving man"

the first 2 days had loads of games and was fun
in that we had bonding time with the group
and got to know other people better
then we had our first session
this one was on Reconciliation.
which i will do on a seperate post
yup
but things got serious that night on the second day of camp
the young ones had their session than an alter call
i walked in there after my session ended to see that they were still going strong after so long
yup, even if i did not go up for some of it,
watching them receive and bask in His presence was good enough
it as really heartening to see the young ones so on fire for God.
then after that, i had this time of praise and worship with david, jerry, dora
we just sat down there and sang songs to God
any song that came to mind
and that david could play, we sang it
even after everyone left and there were only us we just kept on singing
cos somehow, while we were singing, we did not feel tired at all
the power of God, huh(:
then when we finally went to the room,
it was lkike 2 in the morning
haha, crazy, next day would be even more packed than the second day
and dora somehow wakes up super early though we go to sleep late
and i am the one with the problem, haha

the third day was filled with sessions and no games
but that was not such a bad thing
i mean, learning about the wonders of God,
how can that be a bad thing??
anyways, we had a session led by clement
it was on Submission
i will do that on a seperate blog post, otherwise this would be too long and complicated
yeah
then we had this session where the guys and girls got split into two groups
to talk about how we should be women and men in christ and we then had glenn to give the opposite view, the view of how men view the girls
yeah something like that
which was quite interesting, to say the least haha
then we had the camp finale and dinner
where we put on our skit, which was quite funny
until someone's face came out on screen
then i felt quite bad about it, because i mean, he didnt do anything to us
and the look on his face when he saw it was...yeah enough said
hope he wasn't too offended...

yeah then we had ministry night
that was really awesome,
i just got goosebumps thinking about it again
like it started with the normal worship
and then the Holy Spirit filled the room
like you could feel it, it was rather tangible
then i just stood there with my arms raised and eyes closed
then when i opened them, it was like "whoa, where did everyone go?!"
haha they had all knelt down
and at that time, when i closed my eyes, i couldn't lift my eyelids and all i saw was a grey shifting fog, that kept moving in front of me, but it was so dense, that the fog was opaque
i was asking God, "what are you trying to show me? like i can't see anything."
then i opened my eyes and saw that everyone had knelt down
then i closed my eyes again, and this time i saw the fog disappear, and there was bright light
you know how when you close your eyes, you see only darkness
this time i saw light, bright light
again, i asked for more and what did He want me to see
at that point i was slightly frustrated, i mean He showed me his light,
but i knew that there was so much more He wanted to tell me
then i opened my eyes again, and the next time when i closed them,
i found myself in a tunnel/cave thing
and it was all dark with outcrops and things like that
yeah
and i looked down and i was standing on this illuminated path that was just wide enough for me to stand
any step to the left or right, i would plummet, cos that cave/tunnel was high up or something
then i followed the twist and turns in the path to a Tee
like i really didnt want to fall off
and i kept walking, wondering where the path would lead me
then i found myself walking out of the tunnel/cave and into a meadow
where i could see a castle in the distance
and with some unknown sureness, i knew that the illuminated path would lead to the castle.
it was then that i realised that God had shown me my life in a sense
like that tunnel would be what i would go through in the near future
and that no matter how dark or how hard,
all i need to do is follow His path and he would lead me to safety and even give me rewards that i would not even have expected
that vision comforted me greatly, i mean when it happened to me, it felt like the end of the world
and i really didnt want to go back next year
like i lost the will, but knowing that He would be there for me the whole way through and more
made me feel like i could actually do this
and even succeed
i mean, how cool is that?!
i wont say peace filled me,
but relief certainly did.

then i started laughing and laughing
really hard that i had to sit down cos my feet didnt want to staqnd anymore
haha, and then the next thing i knew i was rolling on the floor with david next to me
both of us laughing our hearts out
then, we would stop and then one of us would start again, leading to another bout of laughter
then i would make funny laughs that sounded like barney (the dinosaur) and that would make us laugh even harder
hahaha. it was an awesome feeling
then when we calmed down, we tried to listen to pastor reuben, but one of us would giggle and that kinda sets us off again! hahaha

then after laughing for the longest time,
when everything was hurting so had,
and the throat was dry and sore,
i sat down there and closed my eyes to think and see Him again
and this time he showed me a room
it has a very nice large glass window that was over looking a very busy street,
and to my left there were two beds, and one bed was pink and the other blue
and they looked like they were made for children
once again i asked what He wanted me to understand.
why show me this scene
then i sat there and kept my eyes closed so i would keep seeing that scene and pondered
i got the sense that it felt like my house, like that room belonged to me
and that i was not a visitor in that place
and then the pieces fell into place once again with startling clarity
God just showed me something from my future
He just showed me that i would have a very good future with children (meaning a husband too)
and either a house or an apartment.
and this fits so well into my life right now
because i kept asking Him if i would have a future, and i kept begging Him to tell me that i would have a future and a good one at that
and you know how frustrating it can be when everything is so uncertain and all
yeah, so once agian, i felt intensely relieved
like He just showed me that i would have a great future and that everything would be alright
no matter what happens through life
that he would be with me every single step of the way.

and then when i told joann about the two visions i saw
i started crying and shivering
and the shivering was not from the cold, it went deeper than that
but when i was telling her, it felt so much more tangible when i spoke it out
and i realised that joann would find the first one applicable too
so i am glad that i shared it with her, yup.
then there we this point in the night, where jerry, dora, joann and i were sitting in the front
we were the only ones sitting that front,
and kai feng suddenly said that God told him that we are special
and that we looked like martha sitting at the feet of Jesus
and that when we ever have a need all we have to do is ask
and He would give us an answer or help
and that we are special and that we have nothing to fear
and that we would do great things for His kingdom
at that point, i felt really really good
like i mean, God said im special! (i knew that, but affirmation is always good)
and that all i needed to do was ask and he would respond

everything that happened to me here in this camp has been really great
the friends ive made
and the people i got to know better
but above all
i got to meet God
and that was the purpose of this camp
and i am so glad that out of all the camps, i was able to go for this one
and experience God in all his glory and having this close and personal encounter with him
hearing what He wanted to tell me
and havign so many of my fears and anxieties laid to rest.
I REALLY THANK YOU GOD THAT YOU MET ME HERE AT THIS CAMP!!!
YOU ARE REALLY AWESOME!!!

Gotta go my own way

2010-12-10T23:05:00.000-08:00

you know, ever since i was a young kid
before i could draw for myself
i would get someone else (3yi) to draw fr me
and i always asked her to draw me dolls in different clothes
sometimes from mexico
sometimes mermaids (not much clothes there..)
sometimes of princesses
i think for as long as i can remember, ive always wanted to draw people in cool clothes
as i grew i guess i realised that my aunt could not keep drawing for me
so i learnt to draw my designs myself
there was this period of time where i refused to draw anything
cos i thought that my drawing were ugly,
and i cannot stand ugly pictures
pet peeve.
haha.
so when i picked up my pencil to drawn again
i realised that it was much easier now
and that the pictures started to correspond with the visions in my mind
so i guess
since i was young, i KNEW that designing was in my blood
and now i ask myself why i am not chasing after that dream
why am i stuck in JC doing something
that though i like
i cannot say i really love.
passion
PASSION
in my opinion
is a very important thing to have.

Every ballerina's dream...

2010-12-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

"Durian Ballet Shoes"
haha, some might think, 'ouch! why would i want to walk in this?!'
while others (like me) would go: omg~ its beautiful!!!
truth be told, no one is supposed to walk in those ballet shoes
i am sure very sure that it is not possible
but i think the artiste is really smart
i mean in that pair of ballet shoes
he/she captured the essence of dance, especially ballet
i would know, ive danced for so long
ballet is not easy, its hardwork, tears, and blood
im not kidding.
the hurts dancers get during practice is so common
and sometimes could end a career right there
but dance is like the durian ballet shoes
it hurts, a lot
but in the pain there is pleasure
sounds slightly masochistic doesnt it?
but its the truth
no matter the pain
if the passion is great enough,
all the pain that a dancer goes through is worth it
the spikes probably shows the pain that the dancer goes through in her bid to improve her art
nasty looking the spikes are, arent they?

i still remember the first time i stepped into my pointe shoes
the pain was excruciating
like for the first time i was really balancing all my weight on the tip of my toes
most people would wince when i tell them that
but through the pain, the feeling of euphoria was heady
the fact that ive waited for so long before getting pointe shoes
made the first time so magical
i believe that it is every ballerina's dream to wear a pair of pointe shoes
its something that we all aspire to do
and the pain that goes it
is accepted as the dues that we have to pay
for being one of the creatures that float on our tippy toes
and i can tell you, it was worth it
still is actually.
because in that one instance, i felt truly beautiful and invincible
as i am sure thousands of other girls have felt as well.

2010-12-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

A day without you is like a year without rain

I need you by my side

Don't know how I'll survive...

2010-12-03T08:07:00.001-08:00

JCLP

this has been a good experience for me

going to a law firm

shadowing the lawyers

going to court

hearing the stories that they have to tell us

instead of being turned off,

i find myself intrigued and interested in everything

and i wonder why

all the lawyers expected us to so afraid of this profession

that they continually ask us, "do you still want to be a lawyer?"

haha and our answer still remains that is it really one of our options

though i was the only girl in the group

it did not seem that way

haha, i guess i was treated like one fo the guys

and on equal grounds with them

which is good, isnt it?

like i dont have to act the girl all the time.

this experience has opened up my eyes too so much more

how lawyers are nothing like the shows (then again, i already knew that)

how the amount of paperwork involved would scare anyone asked to do it

court was also another new experience

supreme court

subordinate court

all interesting in their own ways

and to see how lawyers negotiate,

its like,

they have that down to a fine art

haha. no, im serious

next week would be the conferences

im quite looking forward to those

though i have a feeling that it would not be as exciting as the job shadowing

but then again, no one said that it was to be all fun and games

haha, but i am sure that this experience would be seriously enriching to my life

and i hope that whatever i have learnt here,

i would bring it through with me

for the rest of my life

and the best part is:

Clifford Law LLP has offered us an internship anytime we want to go back

i mean how great is that?!(:

HATE

2010-12-01T06:51:00.000-08:00

HATE
its a very strong word isnt it
and you know, thats the emotion that i have been feeling a lot recently
like, i know im gonna go one extra year
but its not the end of the world
alright, for awhile, i DID feel like the end of the world
like how do i go on from this
but you know it isnt, life goes on
and then you are not supportive
you put me down
you clamp down on me
curfews
restrictions
you think that that would make me a better person
you are so wrong
cos ive never hated anyone that much at this moment
then after everything youve done
you open your arms and offer me a hug
wtf
did you think i was just going to run back into your arms
and that by that one gesture, you would have solved everything?
how arrogant of you
im no longer that little girl who would forgive you in a second after you finished scolding me
sometimes, i wish that i were that little girl
because that time, life with you was wonderful and happy
now i hate going home
if i dont have to converse with you, its better
and if i do, we dont ever talk about anything fun anymore
when did you become so consumed by academics
i watch you force my brothers to study
watch you discipline and stand over them like hawks
so what if they get the good grades in the end. are they really happy
am i really happy?
have you even bothered to ask me
is this what i want in life
thanks to you i now have no idea.
i dont want to let you done
but i cant let myself down either
so which one will win in the end
io am so angry that you imposed your beliefs on me
i mean why couldnt you be supportive and say that i will have your support 100% no matter what i do
wait, sure you say that
but you dont carry it out
never did

2010-11-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

beauty in death

2010-11-29T07:22:00.000-08:00

"We dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams."

2010-11-28T04:52:00.000-08:00

the recee today was quite fun and amusing
hahah
like nic's friends came along and though they were a bit weird,
they were tons of amusement
yups.

church today was really intense
God was in the place today
like you could feel it
and while we were praising in front of the sanctuary,
and we were asked to kneel down and feel God's presence
i felt someone standing over me like behind me
and then when that person breathed i felt the breathe ruffle the top of my head
but the funny thing was that
the person behind me was kneeling too
so the feeling of someone standing over me and the breathing kind of did not tally
so i was wondering if it was something else.
i am hoping it is something else.

2010-11-23T09:10:00.000-08:00

I won't lie and say that it'll be okay

I won't say that the pain will fade with time

but it'll become manageable

and with time, you will come to terms with it

2010-11-21T05:49:00.000-08:00

tomorrow, my friends are going to get their class posting
and here comes the part that i hate so much
i will be left in limbo
because retest results do not come out until friday, the end of the week
which is really nerve wrecking
cos i NEED to know if i advanced
and i WANT to advance so badly
like its so tangible this "want" of mine.

2010-11-21T05:48:00.001-08:00

praying and hoping for the best

preparing for the worst

so the fall would not be so great.

Somebody Special

2010-11-20T04:08:00.000-08:00

Saw you come home the other day

daughter you were quite upset

someone had said something about you

you were hurt by what they said

wish i had the courage to ask you

wish we had the friendship that was right

if only i could have the chance to tell you

daughter this is what i'd say

daughter you are somebody special

you don't even have to ask why

you will always be beautiful in my eyes

so lift up your head you don't have to cry

daughter, daddy will always love you

no matter how low or how far you are

you always have a special place here in my heart

saw you come home the other day

with a heavy look on your face

something must have happened at the office

and you were worried and upset

wish i had the courage to ask you

wish we had the friendship that was right

if only i could have the chance to tell you

daddy this is what i'd say

daddy you are somebody special

i've never had to ask why

you're always my hero in my eyes

so life up your head you don't have to sigh

daddy i will always love you

no matter how much i grow up

you always have a special place here in my heart

but daddy can i ask you a question

in a world where things are going mad

how do i know if i'm really beautiful

or do i need to lower that dress?

all my friends already have their boyfriends

i'm just scared that i'm missing out

i don't feel that i can stand on my own

o daddy what should i do?

daughter you are my precious treasure

i'll always be here by your side

but i know one day someone will come

to marry you and you'll be his bride

but until that day i'll protect you

and promise i won't hesitate

to say daughter i love you so love yourself

cause daughter you're worth the wait

my daughter i love you so love yourself

cause daughter you're worth the wait

2010-11-16T07:53:00.000-08:00

THESE ARE MY FRIENDS!!!
they make my school life enjoyable,

still trying to collect pictures of all of them, but here is the first part! (: they make my school memories very pleasant throught the good and the bad.. <3

Round and Round

2010-11-16T07:22:00.000-08:00

...and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

for me it happens all the time...

- Lady Antebellum

you know, that is like the most applicable phrase in everyone's lives
i dont know if you have ever noticed but more than half the world is either pining for someone, in a relationship or just waiting for the right person to come along. i think this is like a perpetual phenomenon where people are just looking and looking around them, in hopes of finding that "other half". i dont know how true that "other half" is, i mean, everyone says it is that ONE person, but if you never meet that person, does that mean you are never going to settle down, or live the rest of your life lonely? i cannot fathom that thought, i mean

...Better to have loved and lost

than to have never loved before...

- Tennyson

i would rather have taken that jump and put my faith, trust and love into someone's hands rather than be too cautious. yes, i AM afraid to get hurt, but then to protect myself, i might not ever get to experience the feeling that romance stories talk about. and i really want to know what it feels like to be so close to someone, where that person accepts me for me, flaws and all. who doesnt care if im fat or if i dont take life as seriously as i should. i mean all those are good stuff, but seriously, i think guys in romance stories were created because they dont exist in real life, and we needed material to be able to daydream about, and conjure our ideal man. because i have not seen a guy like that, ever. but then its not as if ive been around for a very long time, so im still young and have much to learn about this, i guess. then again, i guess you just cant have it all right? so perhaps settling with our best option should be what we look for and not let it be the search for an ideal man that does not exist (other than in our daydreams).

2010-11-15T03:14:00.000-08:00

open up the heavens

and let Your Glory fall

open up our hearts

that we might know You

Marina Bay Sands

2010-11-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

i am staying at the Marina Bay Sands hotel
and let me tell you,
it is really awesome!!!
like the place is really nice
um, but really expensive too!
heeheee
hear my glee at staying in a really good hotel
will write more about this pseudo holiday later when i have more time(:

2010-11-11T04:48:00.000-08:00

the detail in this dress is impressive! all the time and effort to make the frothiness of the skirt like that!

classic cuts not boring at all!

taking a break from studying
i find myself wanting to do a post about the collections from certain designers

i think i am going to do my fav designer's first

Christian Siriano

even after all this time
i still think his flair is amazing

he is dramatic and

he isnt scared of stepping out of the box and sometimes creating something that might not be that aestethically pleasing
his most recent 2011 spring collection is really good

classic cuts but yet he makes them look fresh and not something that someone would think
"oh, i've seen this before"

how about i just let his designs do the talking

i am sure you will understand what i mean after you see some of his designs from his most recent collection

2010-11-10T01:02:00.000-08:00

spent another day in school studying for retest again
i dont know how long more i can keep this up for man
yet i am so not ready
sigh.
what would it be ike if i just threw everything to the winds and go after what i really wanted to do?
i dont know and i dont think i have the guts to do that
isnt that sad
haha but on to reality
cos that is one game that never stops
no matter how much we want a pause button on it
history has lost its interest long time ago
i want to do so many things
but then i am grounded by the need to pass
cos not passing should not even be an option for me
sigh

sometimes i think i am claustrophobic
not as in the literal space
i think its the relationship kinda feeling
and i only allow certain people to be very close to me
if you arent those few
then claustrophobia does ensue
i dont know
i think its the dependency and the obligations
that relationships have
and im not even talking about that kind
im just talking about the friends kind
which is sigh
i think i have commitment/dependency issues
the idea of letting someone down would tear me apart inside
maybe thats why i dont want to be that close to anyone
i dont want to hurt them
and most importantly
i dont want to hurt myself.
i am starting to think it is a defense mechanism
keeping people at bay
or only letting few select people under my armour
never thought that of me huh
neither did i
until i started doing self reflection
and realised that the reason why i blow hot and cold
is because that person is getting too close
oh wells
im guessing its gonna take some very special people to get under my skin
though some already have
haha.

EUPHORIA!!!

2010-11-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

today was awesome
PW IS OFFICIALLY OVER
0-V-E-R baby
:D
and we rocked it!
i am so happy hahaha

2010-11-07T06:39:00.000-08:00

dear yeye,

i dont know, you've been gone for so long

but once in awhile

when things are going rough

i think back to that time when you were still here with us

when you always sat in that green armchair

or in your own room

and would say in cantonese whenever i walked by, "call yeye, esther. you are such a good girl"

i miss the times when you would buy me "bak tong gou"

cos you knew it was my favourite dessert

and chicken rice

and sometimes paddle pop if i were lucky

i regret not spending so much time with you as ive spent with popo and gonggong

i dont know why i dont actually,

its just aht ive always got sent to popo's when daddy and mummy goes for work

and a part of me regrets not spending it with you

cos ive got the feeling that you would have made an even more awesome granddad

not that i am saying that gonggong didnt do his job

but im saying that you might have been a better alternative

maybe all i am saying is that i miss you terribly

and that you were one of the people that made my young life so wonderful

afterall, i was your only grandchild

and maybe you would have been the kind of granddad that would take me on your knee and listen to me cry about everything that worries me

and perhaps give me solutions

and help me solve my problems

i dont know

i guess i just really wished that you stayed around longer to watch me grow up

cos i know you would have loved every single stage of it

and maybe i am only writing this letter because there is no one else i can tell about my problems

and that the only safe confidante is you,

cos you arent around to judge me anymore

i really dont want to be hurt and have all my insecurities thrown back in my face like a slap

and that is liable to happen if i told someone who is around me now

that just human nature

know the weakest point of a person

and hit it where it hurts

and i dont want to be hurt by anyone

im just scared

2010-11-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

they tease and laugh about it
but what if it is really true
but they have no idea
haha..
isnt it funny
they laugh and joke about it
thinking it is all just good fun
but guess what
in every jest, there is a tidbit of truth

2010-11-06T09:34:00.001-07:00

SOMETIMES THE GIRL WHO SEEMS THE STRONGEST

IS REALLY THE ONE CRUMBLING ON THE INSIDE

2010-11-05T05:51:00.000-07:00

today was OP re-memorization of script
which btw im still not that confident about

made mr penguin bookmark for geo
he has a tape line down his middle.
oh wells, he was too fat to fit into the tape
so no choice
hope she likes him

made 2 dolly bookmarks for jasmine
primrose and sunflower
yup yup.
they fit relatively into the tape fine
i know she is going to like them.
haha they are just bigger versions of the ones i keep in my wallet

and i only give my dolls to people who actually appreciate them
i dont know
cos i want their owners to treasure them as much as i do

2010-11-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

now in PW

it is now less than a week to the OP exam

where my Pw will all culminate

and after that,

I WOULD NOT HAVE TO DO PW ANYMORE!

heehee

the glee that i feel is like whoa

not able to be described with words

haha..

i dont know

im rambling

cos im quite tired

2010-10-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

one day before Chinese As
i dont know why im doing this anymore
haha, i guess its just to follow through what ive been doing for the past 10+ years of my life
cos after tmr and if i pass chinese will be just a distant memory for me
i hope i pass
cos i refuse to put myself through another year of chinese lessons that could otherwise be avoided
there is also the other fact about the retest for promos
i didnt make it the first time
and now ive been granted a second chance
do i want that second chance?
yes i do
so much
desperately
to cling on to everything that i have at the moment
and not let go no matter how wrong or right it might be for me
i just want to cling on
to maintain a sense of normalcy about everything around me
but then there is this side which hears the doubts and thinks that maybe
even with the retest i wont make it
so why bother trying
i dont know.
a friend told me that it is disturbing that i believe that fridays are for playing
well, i guess i never really thought of it in those terms
but yeah, friday is a day when i let down some of my guard and free the inner child within me
when ive kept it locked away the whole week
i dont expect all my fridays and weekends to be filled with fun, laughter, peace and joy
that would be asking too much of life
if there is work i would still do it
but you know the saying all work and no play...
not that i am condemning your weekend lifestyle, but we all hold different views
and we all want different things in life
i dont think ive ever wanted that stable job
the safeness that a desk job would offer
when i think "Job"
i think runway, spring/summer, autumn/winter
now those are jobs
the most hectic and exciting as they come
do you think it is a frivolous life?
that those who are in this industry are fake
and lack substance?
i can tell you right now
that that industry is not fake
in fact it is the truth in fashion
and the people in it are so talented that not everyone can be part of that elit group
sometimes no matter how hard they try
you have to have talent for that
and i want to think i have that talent
so what am i doing here
i ask myself
why am i not somewhere else trying to pursue that dream
and then i realise that i do not have the guts of steel to throw all that i have away
and start afresh, working in hopes of fulfilling my dream
"in hopes"
because here there is no guarantee.

BUT

today in church i realise that there is no need for me to be so troubled by all these worldly things
yeah sure, i might have all these questions without any answers
but today
i felt for the first time in a very long time
possibly maybe the only time
pure happiness that makes everything pale in comparison
it is the kind of laughter that just bubbles up in you
and you feel so light and happy that all your troubles just dont weigh so heavily on your heart anymore
it was a great feeling
and i knew in that moment
that whatever happens
God has a plan for me
he reminded me of that
that no matter how lousy life might be he would still be walking the journey with me
every
single
step
of
the
way.
and that makes me feel a whole lot better
knowing that i dont have to rely on my own strength
cos i am sure that that would not be enough to carry me
but with Him all things are possible and he will see me through this period
as well as the many other tribulations that might arise within my life
and for that,
I THANK YOU LORD!

2010-10-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

even after all these years,

i still want my fairytale

i still want my prince

i refuse to let go of that dream,

that dream that no matter how bad life is right now

i would still be promised a fairytale

2010-10-28T06:37:00.000-07:00

i dont know
now i feel so down and out
and i refuse to post this on tumblr
cos i know there it would show up on the dashboard
and i dont want people to know how weak i actually am
like this past week ahs been a trial for me
really,
i am so tired
i dont know why i push on anymore
what the heck im not pushing on
haha im slacking and typing right now
sigh sigh sigh

2010-10-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

Na na naii

Watch me while I stand here
Watch my feet, my stance, my body language
I’m not someone to be messed with
I’m a fox on a mission You know you’re challenging the best here
It’s gonna be real hard
But I’m gonna be okayAs long as I try real hard
I’m always gonna find my way
I’ma find my way
I’ma stand up like a soldier
I’ma get them ‘til it’s over
I’ll keep marching to the beat‘til there’s bruises on my feet
Now I’m falling to my knees‘
Cause I’m gonna take this all the way
It’s now or neverI’ll break what’s in my way
I’ma stand up like a soldier
Tonight I’m gonna take over
Ch: ‘Cause I know everything’s gonna be alright
Now you’re standing her right by my side
And we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on
Everything’s gonna be okay
The streets will lighten up my way
So we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on
Not in a million years
Did I think my feet would bring me this far
So much frustration, sleepless nights
Now that I’m in charge
At first no one gave me the time of day
Now I’m left on my own to show the way
My sisters, brothers from other mothers
Can we take this all the way
Could of kicked us to the curb These days are so hard to get heard
We gonna stand up like a solder
Get everything we deserve (trust)At first everyone was cautious
When we brought in something new
But after weeks of practicing
We knew exactly what to do
I’ma stand up like a soldier
I’ma get them ‘til it’s overI’ll keep marching to the beat‘til there’s bruises on my feet
Now I’m falling to my knees‘Cause I’m gonna take this all the way
It’s now or neverI’ll break what’s in my way
I’ma stand up like a soldier
Tonight I’m gonna take over
Ch: ‘Cause I know everything’s gonna be alright
Now you’re standing her right at my side
And we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on
Everything’s gonna be okay
The streets will lighten up my way
So we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on
‘Cause I know everything’s gonna be alright
Now you’re standing her right at my side
And we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on
Everything’s gonna be okay
The streets will lighten up my way
So we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on

2010-10-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

i dont know anymore
like this sucks
why me
why now
why after ive fought for so long
and its not as if i slacked
im like ugh!
i dont know anymore
i dont why you are doing this to me
why cant for once you just give me what i want without some roundabout lesson
i cant stand it anymore
its not funny
i hate having to be left behind
why cant for once in my life would you just let me go with what i want
i prayed
ive studied
yet im fucking failing its really not funny
im damn tired of it all

and worst of all
i dont know what do now
im not good at studies
i dont have a special talent that i can exploit
though i wished i did
ugh
i just want to know your plan for my life
so i can sit safe and be sure that i EVEN have a FUTURE.
cos at the moment it really doesnt look like that is the case
so why wont you give me some assurance
ugh ugh
why why WHY
JUST SHOW ME WHETHER I WILL TURN OUT FINE
thats all i really want
sigh
i just want to know that i will turn out fine
pls pls pls
help me. show me
and i cant run away
i have no where to run to
friends are withdrawing and going overseas to do their As
but i cant
cos i have no moolah
yeah
so im stuck
and i really dont want to be left behind
i dont want to be a loser for the rest of my life
this always happen to me
always
why
why
ugh hate life
hate me
who cares what tanya says
I HATE ME
ugh

but but but
i dont want to be left behind
it would be like damn shit.
especially when my friends go to j2
just thinking bout it makes me feel like breaking down and crying again
i cant keep doing this
failing i mean
no matter how hard i try
it doesnt work out
it never works out
damn damn damn
im sad
i want a solution.
someone help me.

injustice?

2010-10-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

i dont know
does keeping silent and seething silently
still mean i condone the action?
wanting to say something so badly but knowing that it will never be possible
cos the damages that will be wrecked if i said what i wanted to say
would never be able to be fixed
i dont think it is possible to be fixed
i feel really bad
standing at the sidelines watching
helpless to do anything to alleviate the situation
you know that kind of feeling?
yeah, that kind of feeling
the you-want-to-help-but-have-no-idea-how-to feeling
oh wells...
i dont know
hopefully it will all blow over

but what makes me confused and slightly annoyed
is the fact that the person doesnt see it
doesnt see that the excuses are not valid
never valid
cos they are more often than not pathetic
and can be countered really easily
if you are going to escape, at least make it good
and why hide behind someone...
"damsel in distress"?
thats just another excuse.

2010-09-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

you know,
sometimes i am so tired of waiting
of just waiting
for something that might not come in on time
okay screw that
it never comes in on time
except once, that made me so happy
why couldn't you continued the trend
to you, deadline are elastic
well, let me tell you, to the rest of the world,
deadlines are inelastic
means that if its set
you have got to make it
thats just the rules of life
and that is how opportunities slip by, you missing the deadlines
i dont want to be a bitch about the whole situation
but for once(or more than that) can you just please hand in stuff and do as you are told
i am tired of chasing you
i dont call, you don't tell me your problem
like wts, are you kidding me
you couldnt even be bothered. at all
i dont know how i feel about this
disappointment? anger? pissed off?
i dont know anymore, im just ugh
you make me feel like killing something.
irritating dumbshit

2010-08-22T01:18:00.000-07:00

i'm not afraid to fall

it means i climbed up high

to fall is not to fail you fail when you don't try

i'm not afraid to falli might just learn to fly

and i will spread these wings of mine

if i get up i might fall back down again

so lets get up c'mon

if i get up i might fall back down again

we get up anyway

if i get up i might fall back down again

so lets get up c'mon

if i get up i might fall back down again

and i might fall back down again

and we'll just jump and seeeven if its the 20th time

we'll just jump and see if we can fly

i'm not afraid to fall and here i told you so

don't want to rock the boat

but i just had to know

just a greener side

or can i touch the sky

but either way i will try

if i get up i might fall back down again

so lets get up c'mon

if i get up i might fall back down again

we get up anyway

if i get up i might fall back down again

so lets get up c'mon

if i get up i might fall back down again

and i might fall back down again

and we'll just jump and seeeven if its the 30th time

we'll just jump and see if we can fly

i'm not afraid to fall

i've fallen many times

they laughed when i fell down

but i have dared to climb

i'm not afraid to fall

i know i'll fall again

but i can win this in the end

if i get up i might fall back down again

so lets get up c'mon

if i get up i might fall back down again

we get up anyway

if i get up i might fall back down again

so lets get up c'mon

if i get up i might fall back down again
and i might fall back down again

and we'll just jump and see even if its the 40th time

we'll just jump and see if we can fly

if i get up i might fall back down again

so lets get up c'mon

if i get up i might fall back down again

we get up anyway

if i get up i might fall back down again

so lets get up c'mon if i get up i might fall back down again

and i might fall back down again

2010-08-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

heyys
i think it is getting better day by day
like there is improvement
at first i was so scared that what happened would change everything
and that it could not be fixed
at all
but now with that little bit of improvement
i am so relieved
there is still a chance
and that chance is good enough for me.
for now
haha. otpimism at its best.
trust me

this week has been a roller coaster ride of many proportions
ive not gone into a test/exam having not even studies a single page in my notes
and then sitting there and crapping something out.
i dont even have any idea what i wrote on that paper
and all this is due to the time dedicated to YOg
i mean, i dont regret the hours upon hours spent there
in fact, i think i AM going to miss being part of something of that large scale
you know, its the same feeling i get when a big GB project is finished
and the culmination of everything done is the memories and the friendships that you've forged in that short time.
but
i just wished that there was more time for us to catch up with the hours that we missed
i realised that this week we do not have much homework
why?
because we were spending so much time at Jalan Basah
and not enough time in school for the teachers to give us any substantial homework
haha. the irony of it all

however, the one thing that i am not so proud about
is the fact that ive realised that i could become very cynical about many things
i dont know when that happened
like, i dont know when i lost the happy, bright , naive part of me
and what was left was the cynical, pessimist
always thinking of the worse case scenarios and the what ifs
but i guess thats a part of life isnt it?
as we grow older,
we are stripped of our childish illusions
and are shown the hard, cold reality of life
and it is only human nature to build a defense against all this
i really admire the people who can still be so happy going through life
as if nothing would ever faze them
then i stop and wonder,
are they really that unaffected by everything that is going on around them?
or are they just putting on a really good show for the world
the child part of me would want to believe
that their happiness and optimism for life is real

step up 3 was awesome
i dont care if daryl said that i should watch it in the cinema
ive already watched it online
haha and the quality was good too!
its a great show.
and one sentence struck me
"why do you dance?"
"i dance because i am myself in dance, i dont need pretend"
is that why we dance?
is that where we find ourselves?
i would like to think so
because in dance no on can judge you,
there are no rules,
no obligations,
no LIMITATIONS...

JUST YOU.....

.....and the...MUSIC

2010-08-19T17:24:00.000-07:00

even when faced with the choice to choose to cheer for the hottest team, I still chose Singapore. hAhA AND IM PROUD OF IT